Most of the
times when people share about a hard time in their life, it’s after that event is over. It’s
discouraging to be the person admitting that they aren’t perfect right now. And
as a listener, the only thing that makes it bearable when hearing about a loved
one’s rough patch is when the solution follows in their next sentence.
For example, “It was really hard when Sawyer
refused to sleep longer than 3 hours for 2 months, but that all changed when …”
Well unfortunately,
that has not yet changed. And no matter how many baby sleep advice books I’ve
read, how much advice I get from other parents, or how many hours (yes, hours!)
this sweet babe is left to cry, the solution is still yet to be found.
And one
thing I’ve learned is that when I’ve gone off of less than 6 hours of broken
sleep for 2 month straight, I start getting pretty down. So down that the
Sh-word comes out.
*Shock*
No, I’m not
talking about the typical curse word. I’m talking about (dare I say it?) the
word “should.”
Honestly, I
feel like the swear word is less harmful than this one. Once it’s allowed into
your vocabulary, I guarantee it will start dominating and plaguing you.
I should be better at this parenting thing.
I should be enjoying my life more. I should be more secure with the way I
look. I should be keeping in better
touch with loved ones. I should be
better at cleaning my house. I should
be better at controlling my emotions. I should
be more attentive to my calling. I should
be more positive. I should be. I should
be. I should be.
See the
danger in that? All of sudden you don’t have one problem to solve, you have a
whole list that never ends.
And the
hardest thing about the Sh-list is that all those things would be nice and make
life better. They really would. So, it’s hard to get your mind in a healthier
place because you see the truth in having this list.
I have no
magic answer to this problem, if I did I wouldn’t be writing this. But I’m
willing to venture a guess that it lies somewhere in the ability of being okay
with being an imperfect person AND in the ability to keep striving to be a
better person. How you swing that balancing act…I don’t know. Some days I feel
like I get a glimpse of it, but it’s tough to keep the vision.
Yup, life
has thrown me a major curve ball, and I’m still VERY much in the thick of it.
So to you lovely people who took the time to read this, I’m sorry I can’t
follow up this story with the solution.
…
Yet. I can’t
follow it up with the solution yet. But here’s to hoping.
Oh, it's nice to know I am not the only one.
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly how I felt with both my kids. One cried 20 hrs a day for a year, she only slept between the hours of 6am-9am, and it was a nightmare. I wish I had some amazing advice on how I survived, but the truth is that is all I did, survive. Mostly I was just a crazy person. The only advice I would offer is that when the crying gets too bad and he won't sleep and you feel like you can't take it anymore, go put him in his bed and let him cry for a few minutes while you take a break. And don't feel bad about taking a break, it's very important to keep your sanity and he'll be just fine. Also, netflix was my best friend, I watched entire seasons of shows on subtitles in the middle of the night.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had better advice, but I just wanted to let you know that I've been there, I understand, and I'll be praying things get better for you.
At least there will be a solution. Somewhere down the line, it'll be better. Deep breaths until then.
ReplyDeleteGood luck! Sorry it's so hard :(
ReplyDeleteFirst- you've probably already read it, but "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" was my personal sanity saver- Sophia was NOT a good sleeper ever before that book. No other advice other than what I am sure you've probably already heard, but just encouragement. Hang in there! I have a very similar personality- always making lists of what I should be doing (probably a requisite of being nurses). One of my favorite quotes ever was from President Faust in a General Relief Society meeting a long time ago. Talking specifically to mothers, he basically said- "You can do whatever you want to; just not all at the same time". When life gets overwhelming for me, I realize that is when I need to simplify all those shoulds. Find your top 2 or 3 priorities and focus only on those. And then always make time for a few things that ground you (whether it's scriptures, exercise, reading, or just TV). And know it can only get better and you're not alone! I guess that kind of was advice... but you get the just ;) you're awesome- keep it up.
ReplyDeleteLindsay, I admire your honesty and I admire you for trying to be a better person during a truly rough time. And when things get really hard, I think it does boil down to priorities--your main goal is to keep everyone alive to the end of the day. If that means laundry and cleaning and gourmet meals and wearing makeup all fall by the wayside, so be it! Mac and cheese will keep you alive (I seriously love that stuff). If you let Sawyer cry for an hour while you restore your sanity, he'll honestly be fine. Unless he's on fire and that's why he's crying. Then you should do something. But some kids just cry a lot. Some kids don't sleep well. And it has NOTHING to do with your abilities as a mother. Truly, you're a wonderful mom. I can tell. Also, scrap controlling your emotions. It's impossible when you're sleep-deprived. Crying releases feel-good hormones. We all should do it more :)
ReplyDelete